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solkoroleva) wrote2014-08-31 06:32 pm
solkoroleva) wrote2014-08-31 06:32 pm
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STARKOV.ALINA@CDC.ORG
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You will never save everyone. You will never prevent every death, there will always be casualties. You could save a thousand people and lose one, and that's still the face you'll see.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
What happened to Isaac was not your fault. Someone put all of this in motion. Put the blame where it belongs, not on yourself.
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And then I let it all fall apart. More and more were dead and people were dying.
FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org
Ghost should rescind his lead offer. You should find another queen. I'm not cut out for any of this. My power is for destruction. That's it. I should have been on red. Given them more bodies.
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You're always the person with the least faith in yourself, Alina. Don't you find that strange?
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
I don't want a Queen who's more arrogant than I am. Your strength is not in how cold you make yourself appear. It was always your warmth that made the people flock to you.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
Don't be afraid to let them see you care. Cleaving mountains in two is all well and good, but there still are times when they need to see you're human.
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It's not about caring.
I can't do this. I'm nothing without my power. I've always been nothing. The only thing that made me anything is this power. And it's useless to save. All I can do is kill with it.
FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org
I keep hearing that I have to save people and I keep finding my friends dead.
One day it'll be you. Then what will Ravka have?
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Except for her power. In that, at least, she'd had faith.
Where is that girl? He'll tell her no more or less than what he thinks she needs to hear. ]
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
Thank you for that infusion of optimism. I always appreciate that.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
Alina, I was a second son to an unloved King. By all accounts, he's probably not even my father. My influence was never handed to me, I earned every scrap of it.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
You are only nothing, if that's what you believe of yourself. There will always be those who die. Do you know the difference between a Saint and a Queen?
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FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org
What difference?
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A Saint never needs to believe in herself. She has any number of faithful pilgrims, falling over themselves to do it for her.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
A Queen needs none of that. She acts for her people, whether they love her or not. Saints are infallible. A monarch can be wrong, can make mistakes. But they cannot walk away from their people.
FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
It's not wrong to have doubts, but it would be wrong to give up. Don't put into someone else's hands what you can do yourself. You are more than your power. Don't falter now.
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FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org
Can you come here?
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Alina.
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While Alina copes by running into Nikolai as he enters the room and burying her face against his chest, holding him tightly. Only days ago he did this same thing to her. ]
I just want to save everyone... I want to be the person they say I am.
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Nikolai doesn't pay much attention to that. He holds Alina, arms wrapping around her so that he can rub her shoulders. His hand comes up to smooth through her hair.
He's quiet while she talks. Then, gently, he kisses the top of her head. ]
That's why you are who they say you are, Alina. You will never stop caring.
I taught you how to hide your heart away, once. I didn't mean you should stop feeling altogether.
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Alina grips Nikolai tighter, taking in a deep a breath as she clings to him. She just needs to feel him right now. At least one person she loves is still alive. At least it's him. ]
It's not because of you. I'm just so tired of losing people when I'm supposed to be able to help.
I want to help. I want to protect this crew and Ravka and you.
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Nikolai still hasn't really looked at them, but he does much the same with Alina now. He guides her over to the bed, sits down, and draws her into his arms. ]
You are helping. In what respect do you imagine you failed?
Alina, if a victory means preventing every death there could ever be, you will always fail. Part of being a leader is knowing that there are risks in all that you do. You must do your best, save who you can. And honour those you cannot. Loss is not exclusive to the Sun Summoner. We all must face it.
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Alina follows Nik to the bed, only too glad to curl up on his lap and rest in his arms. This helps. His words and his touch help. ]
I did it during assessment.
It just feels too much sometimes. [ She rests her head against his chest. ]
I don't ever want to lose you. I can survive the rest. I have to. I can lead Ravka by your side. But not without you.
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Nikolai sighs. He leans back, his arm around Alina. He's still rubbing her shoulder. ]
I have never asked you to do it alone. I won't abandon my people any more than you would, Alina.
Remember what you're fighting for.
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Aline pulls her legs up along Nikolai's as she settles on his chest. ]
For Ravka. The entire reason I agreed to this. [ She takes his hand, lacing her fingers with his now. ]
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Nikolai smiles. He moves his hand up to touch her face, tracing it very lightly. ]
A Queen never forgets her people.
Now, remind me why it is you imagine I would want anyone else?
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Though Alina blushes as Nikolai touches her so sweetly... and asks her a question she wished he didn't.
She burrows her face against his chest now. ]
You could easily want anyone else. I'm not that special. I'm even worse to look at... There's not much going for me.
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It's not what you have to offer, Alina.
It's who you are. It's not only Ravka that needs you, it's me.
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And blinking in surprise. ]
You need me?
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He hesitates for a moment, looking at her. This isn't something he had wanted to tell. He hadn't told her before, hadn't told anyone. He's been holding onto it, like something rotten and dark inside.
But he'd decided, already. He'd tell her what she needed to hear. Even if it's this. ]
Do you know what I saw in the Black Box that day, Alina? Why I ran to you, and couldn't speak?
I saw myself killing you. It was terrible, and gruesome, and personal. It turned me into a creature I could not control, and it killed you. I killed you.
That's why I stopped the program. Losing you, especially like that, was a thing unbearable for me.
[ A pauses, taking a breath. He said all of that with apparent ease, though across the room, Korol's eyes have opened and his blue glow has shot up in intensity. Nikolai looks down, disturbed even by the memory. ]
Now you know.
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Alina's own eyes are wide as she stares at him. That's the most shaken she's ever seen him. The most human she's ever seen him.
And because of her? Because he saw himself killing her? She asked him once if he'd put a bullet in her head if she ever lost control. He promised her he would here. He promised Baghra at home he would. She never imagined killing her would do this to him.
There's a sickening feeling in her stomach at that realization. She can't ever lose control. She can't ever do that to him.
She hugs him tightly again, reaching up to press her lips to his in a fierce and slightly messy kiss. ]
I didn't know... I didn't even guess... [ She says softly when she finally parts, not leaning away as she touches his cheek. ]
I'm sorry.
I saw the Darkling kill you in my training. On my last session. I saw him kill you and I was powerless to stop him.
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His thumb strokes her cheek. At the same time, across the room, Korol puts his head back down, and breathes evenly. ]
You were powerless. I was out of control.
It's a clever machine, it knew how to hurt. I need you, Alina. I don't want to have to do this without you, either.
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You won't. [ Alina answers him softly, resting a hand over his. ]
I'm not going anywhere.
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He butts his head against hers. She's never done that before, it's strange.
Nikolai leans back, comfortable like this, and just holds Alina. ]
You see? Now, you sound like you have all the faith in the world. Easier when you're doing it for me than for yourself, isn't it?
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