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STARKOV.ALINA@CDC.ORG
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[ He doesn't text a reply. She's just next door. A minute later, he'll be standing outside Room 9, with Korol beside him. ]

Alina.

[ Koroleva paces when they finally arrive, her color a bright blue but her behavior more restless. Anxious. Alina's pain is translating poorly for the bahari. On sight of Korol, she goes over and bites him roughly. Anything to deal with it the only way the bahari can.

While Alina copes by running into Nikolai as he enters the room and burying her face against his chest, holding him tightly. Only days ago he did this same thing to her. ]

I just want to save everyone... I want to be the person they say I am.

[ Korol's blue is bright as well, reflecting Nikolai's worry. He rumbles when Koroleva bites him, and then pushes his head roughly against her neck. He nips at her jaw and then leans on her, pointedly.

Nikolai doesn't pay much attention to that. He holds Alina, arms wrapping around her so that he can rub her shoulders. His hand comes up to smooth through her hair.

He's quiet while she talks. Then, gently, he kisses the top of her head. ]

That's why you are who they say you are, Alina. You will never stop caring.

I taught you how to hide your heart away, once. I didn't mean you should stop feeling altogether.

[ Koroleva gnaws at him a bit, before finally leaning into him herself.

Alina grips Nikolai tighter, taking in a deep a breath as she clings to him. She just needs to feel him right now. At least one person she loves is still alive. At least it's him. ]

It's not because of you. I'm just so tired of losing people when I'm supposed to be able to help.

I want to help. I want to protect this crew and Ravka and you.

[ Korol sits, also pointedly, and shoves at Koroleva. He keeps nudging at her head, wanting to settle his own against it. He likes it that way.

Nikolai still hasn't really looked at them, but he does much the same with Alina now. He guides her over to the bed, sits down, and draws her into his arms. ]

You are helping. In what respect do you imagine you failed?

Alina, if a victory means preventing every death there could ever be, you will always fail. Part of being a leader is knowing that there are risks in all that you do. You must do your best, save who you can. And honour those you cannot. Loss is not exclusive to the Sun Summoner. We all must face it.

[ Koroleva rumbles slightly as she shifts, trying to push Korol down. She doesn't mind the cuddling, but she would like to at least be on top.

Alina follows Nik to the bed, only too glad to curl up on his lap and rest in his arms. This helps. His words and his touch help. ]

I did it during assessment.

It just feels too much sometimes. [ She rests her head against his chest. ]

I don't ever want to lose you. I can survive the rest. I have to. I can lead Ravka by your side. But not without you.

[ Korol nips her again, and then puts his head down on his paws. He looks up at her, willing beneath her pushes.

Nikolai sighs. He leans back, his arm around Alina. He's still rubbing her shoulder. ]

I have never asked you to do it alone. I won't abandon my people any more than you would, Alina.

Remember what you're fighting for.

[ Koroleva finally settles, resting her head on top of him, finally looking content and less anxious.

Aline pulls her legs up along Nikolai's as she settles on his chest. ]

For Ravka. The entire reason I agreed to this. [ She takes his hand, lacing her fingers with his now. ]

[ Korol stays down, making himself a pillow for Koroleva. He nudges his head up against hers and closes his eyes, comfortable with her weight against him.

Nikolai smiles. He moves his hand up to touch her face, tracing it very lightly. ]

A Queen never forgets her people.

Now, remind me why it is you imagine I would want anyone else?

[ Koroleva closes her own eyes, her glow a softer color as Alina and her both get more comfortable.

Though Alina blushes as Nikolai touches her so sweetly... and asks her a question she wished he didn't.

She burrows her face against his chest now. ]

You could easily want anyone else. I'm not that special. I'm even worse to look at... There's not much going for me.

[ Nikolai moves his hand to settle against her cheek, still tracing it with his thumb. He sighs, and lifts her head. ]

It's not what you have to offer, Alina.

It's who you are. It's not only Ravka that needs you, it's me.

[ she looks up as he tilts her head up, meeting his eyes finally.

And blinking in surprise. ]

You need me?

[ Does that surprise her? He hadn't expected it to.

He hesitates for a moment, looking at her. This isn't something he had wanted to tell. He hadn't told her before, hadn't told anyone. He's been holding onto it, like something rotten and dark inside.

But he'd decided, already. He'd tell her what she needed to hear. Even if it's this. ]

Do you know what I saw in the Black Box that day, Alina? Why I ran to you, and couldn't speak?

I saw myself killing you. It was terrible, and gruesome, and personal. It turned me into a creature I could not control, and it killed you. I killed you.

That's why I stopped the program. Losing you, especially like that, was a thing unbearable for me.

[ A pauses, taking a breath. He said all of that with apparent ease, though across the room, Korol's eyes have opened and his blue glow has shot up in intensity. Nikolai looks down, disturbed even by the memory. ]

Now you know.

[ Koroleva opens her own eyes at that, looking between Korol and Nikolai in sudden surprise.

Alina's own eyes are wide as she stares at him. That's the most shaken she's ever seen him. The most human she's ever seen him.

And because of her? Because he saw himself killing her? She asked him once if he'd put a bullet in her head if she ever lost control. He promised her he would here. He promised Baghra at home he would. She never imagined killing her would do this to him.

There's a sickening feeling in her stomach at that realization. She can't ever lose control. She can't ever do that to him.

She hugs him tightly again, reaching up to press her lips to his in a fierce and slightly messy kiss. ]

I didn't know... I didn't even guess... [ She says softly when she finally parts, not leaning away as she touches his cheek. ]

I'm sorry.

I saw the Darkling kill you in my training. On my last session. I saw him kill you and I was powerless to stop him.

[ That is not a surprise. That the Darkling would be among her worst fears, that's not a surprise at all.

His thumb strokes her cheek. At the same time, across the room, Korol puts his head back down, and breathes evenly. ]

You were powerless. I was out of control.

It's a clever machine, it knew how to hurt. I need you, Alina. I don't want to have to do this without you, either.

[ Korol settles again, but Koroleva watches them a moment longer. She looks back at Korol, then experimentally licks him. ]

You won't. [ Alina answers him softly, resting a hand over his. ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[ Korol's eyes suddenly widen, and he tilts his head up to look at Koroleva. What did she just do?

He butts his head against hers. She's never done that before, it's strange.

Nikolai leans back, comfortable like this, and just holds Alina. ]

You see? Now, you sound like you have all the faith in the world. Easier when you're doing it for me than for yourself, isn't it?

[ It was strange. Koroleva doesn't like it. Instead she nips at Korol again before pressing her head against him and glowing slightly.

She may not have liked licking, but she does like Korol.

Alina just relaxes for awhile with Nikolai, letting his presence soothe her. ]

It is. [ She smiles slightly at being caught out. ] You make it easy to believe in you, though.

[ Korol doesn't know whether he likes it or not, but he does easily settle again once she does.

And he maybe scratches her a bit, just for that bite.

For his part, Nikolai smiles down at her, not quite sure what to make of that. He does try to instil confidence in people. It doesn't always work. ]

I think it has more to do with you than me. You always give more easily than you receive. It's the same with compliments. You know it is.

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