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STARKOV.ALINA@CDC.ORG
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FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I know.

Thank you for that.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

But you don't need that anymore, is that what you're saying?

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I'm saying....

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I'm saying I may never be 'ready.' But I'm as close as I need to be, I think....

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

That's all I need to know. I'll do it the right way this time. You deserve that.

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

Asking me in front of Mal after I almost got put in shackles for punching you for lying to me probably wasn't the most romantic way to ask a girl.

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I'm really not that particular, though. You don't have work hard at anything.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I wasn't trying to be romantic, then. There was no romance in it, I barely even knew you. I was asking the Sun Summoner, not Alina Starkov.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

That's not the case now. I know it's stopped you from trusting me. But those aren't my terms anymore. Simply put, Alina, I didn't love you then.

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

So... now you....?

[ There's still the issue he had before, in all honesty. Love isn't a simple emotion. The politics between them will never fully go away. There's no doubt that he thinks Alina is logically, rationally the best match. And that has little to do with love.

But it doesn't mean that those feelings can't grow, separately. He doesn't feel cold to her now. He's been with her. He wants her, physically, and he's frankly not sure he could have coped with the last few weeks here if it hadn't been for her. He's been leaning on her, emotionally speaking. He'd told her that he wanted that closeness to continue, that he wants it to grow. He still does. ]

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

Now, I think it's the closest I've ever come. I think that in all my life, I've never loved anyone, and never even wanted to, until I met you.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I can't pretend that it would only be in name. I can't tell you I'd be all right with Mal standing as your guard while you fall for him on the side. One Royal bastard is enough.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I don't want that, I couldn't live with that. I don't want to ask if that's still where we are.

Edited (i can count word limits) 2014-10-30 17:25 (UTC)

[ It's not been a question for her for... a long time. The question has been whether to let herself love him.

She fears love. She fears the things it does to you. She fears the weakness it causes. She fears making that mistake and being unable to take it back. She fears having her heart broken again by a man who seeks to use her.

But Nikolai says the words she never thought he could say. He says it before she can even get the courage to do it herself. And he answers her biggest fears. That even if he doesn't want this if all it is is politics. ]

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

We haven't just been that for a long time.

[ That's the easy one. ]

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I already knew how you felt about Mal as my personal guard. We've talked about this once before, even if you haven't reached that yet. But I guess you got back to it eventually....

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I already knew that, though. And still, I didn't stop this when I came back here. And it's not because I want to respect that wish-- even though I do. I understand why you feel that way and I don't want that for any child I have, royal or not. [ Although apparently more likely to be royal.... ]

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I didn't stop because I was falling for you, Nikolai. And I kept falling and...

[ The next text only has three words in it. ]

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I love you.

[ He hadn't known that. That they'd talked about this before, any part of it. That he'd made the same decision in their own world that he's made here.

What does that mean? That he feels this way at home, as well? That he's allowed that of himself?

He's allowed it here. It's possible. He reads all her texts without replying, until she sends the last one. The thrill that sends through him is a surprise. She loves him. Alina loves him. Even though she's so very aware of how complicated that concept is, for him. ]

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I'd like to see you. Will you come tonight?

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I have never loved anyone before, Alina. I'm not certain that I know what it's like. But if it's this, well...

Then I can understand why it's valued so much.

[ She does know how complicated it is for him, but he seems to be genuinely trying. And getting somewhere. And it's better than Alina ever hoped for from him.

It's hard not to fall in love with someone who is so good to her. Who makes her laugh and smile and takes care of her. Who makes her a better person and pushes her to be all that she is.

It's hard not to love Sturmhond. ]

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I'll come. I can be there soon, if you want.

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

No one really knows what love is actually like, though. We all just feel something and we call it love and hope that what we're calling love is the same thing the other person is feeling. And sometimes it is.

I think this time it is.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

Soon would be nice.

[ Feelings are complicated. He doesn't like talking about them. He doesn't even particularly like dealing with them. But he will, for her. Perhaps he really does love her. ]

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I never really imagined saying this sort of thing to anyone. I certainly never intended on doing it by script. I'd rather see your face, if you don't mind.

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I know. That... really wasn't how I meant to tell you that....

FROM: starkov.alina@cdc.org

I'm on my way now. I'll be there soon.

FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org

I'll be waiting.

[ It's... a little longer than it should take for Alina to get to his room. But she's feeling a little nervous. Saying those words on a device were one thing. In person?

She knocks on the door to his room, though. ]

Sturmhond? [ Just in case his roommates were around. ]

[ He comes out, instead of letting her in. Korol comes with him, eager for the exercise.

But before they've even left the vicinity of the room, Nikolai touches her hand. ]

Thank you. This is better.

[ Her heart is beating faster than she expected as she takes his hand when he touches hers. She smiles up at him. ]

I love you. [ She repeats out loud now. ] I should have told you in person first.

But I love you, Nikolai.

[ It makes it more real, hearing it in person.

It's strange, but he hadn't thought anyone would tell him this. Not tell him and mean it, anyway.

He doesn't qualify his answer. He already has, he's told her how he feels and why. So he just touches her cheek, now, and nods. ]

I love you, as well. I think, perhaps, we could be happy together. I think I already am.

[ We could be happy together.

She smiles at that. ]

You said that to me once. When you were trying to convince me that we should be together in Ravka. That even if it was just for allegiance, we could still be happy together.

But I love you. I'm not just thinking about an alliance. I love you and I am happy with you already. [ So really, there wasn't anything to hold her back. ]

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